Dear Krystal

Hello there.. this has been too long ago.. way way too long. why did i come back tonight? well its becos i couldnt sleep. too many things on my mind for tonight. my mind kept drifting back to my  uni years. and i wonder how i ever got here in the first place.. to this place that i am in my life right   now. tonight all i could think of is ..... they say you know it when you know it. well i knew it.

Au Revoir. i will always remember tonight and how it feels being in a place where you know you are in a transition. you are only waiting for what is going to come next. tonight feels different than the rest.

Blonde?

     Like finally i do have a bit of time now to come back to this blog. words cant describe how mad busy my schedule has been ever since.. i was always idle and free, even when i was working previously. some office ladies really do have all the time in the world. which isnt necessary a bad thing, WELL YEA GUESS WHAT LYDIA, being busy.. this is something that you could never grasp on how it actually feels like, and looking and feeling young, with a heart free from bitterness, jealousy and vindictiveness. well its okay Lydia.. ignorance is bliss. and i really hope you are happy enough with yourself to not to do it to another person, what you did to me.
   
   which strikes me to my thoughts today, why isnt it enough just by being who we are, why do some people feel so bitter and  "lack of" about themselves or about life? I think that its okay to feel insecure at times. i have been there many times, even presently.. sometimes. but if you let it consume you long enough, it changes our thoughts, perceptions and as time goes by, slowly changes our actions. i've seen how some people, females especially.. who are just, to put it bluntly, out to the the other females. who deep down, feels extremely insecure and lonely, and unsatisfied with their life and so forth. who doesnt know how to be truly happy for another person. and when you have these feelings long enough, it eats you up.. and then soon the only happiness that you could derive from life is to watch other people live in misery.

   I once knew a former person.. "a former person".. damn i dont know what that means actually, but it kinda sounds right to me, who spends her working and non working hours constantly compairing herself with me. excuse me miss, im 24 (back then) and you are what?! 50? mid 40's Lydia? why da fuq would you wanna compare yourself to me by saying you watch cnn, while i dont, or you constantly stating to me that most pretty girls are born dumb, while the plain ones are usually successful and smart? that guys would go for women like you rather than a girl like me? i still remember the day you told me that a girl who is attractive to males in the workplace will most likely end up being a mistress to a big boss in a top management position. and then you continued the fact that i should tone down my looks by not putting any make up, cover my legs with long skirts and that my hair is too long. and when i asked why, you said that its because i have a slutty look which men might like but that many of the lady managers have been commenting on my looks. "Well, maybe its your legs they dont like, or your long hair, but for me personally, i dont mind it because its God that made you that way, but as your superior Im just telling you to tone down your looks so that the other managers wont have anything to talk about, ok? and so i said " but Lydia, you know i dont really wear make up to the office, neither do i wear mini skirts, and im sorry but are you saying that im actually a slut?" ""No, im not saying you are a slut, i know you are not a slut, but you look like one, then again its God who gave you that look, now all you can do is tone it down, and for me, drawing your eyebrows are considered as make up."

    Now im telling you, Well thank you so so much for your compliment Lydia, little did i knew that was how you viewed me, thanks a lot for being such a confidence booster, like you said, I cant do much in regards to my "God-given" looks, can I? lol. But the next day, being someone who just wants to work peacefully in the office, i wore a long dress the next day, and i started getting a few of the ankle length dresses just for office. within the next few days she started emulating me by wearing very similar pieces, even the jewelries. things that i've never seen her worn before. and she would start giving me hell after that whenever i wear something long. Errr.. Wangai... why Lydia.. why?? So what would you want me to wear this time?? If it really bothered you that much, why didnt you just stock up some clothes for me then? I'll be happy to, so long it's in my size. or perhaps you ought to have loan me some clothes, i can say that we both wear XS, tho you are more than half a meter shorter than i am. its okay, i dont mind your old clothes for the office.

   So ladies and gentlemen, this is a pure example of what feeling inferior can do to you eventually. My sincere but imperfect advice?? The only way that you can change how you feel is to change what you are from the outside first. If you dont like your nose, get a nose job. If you think you absofuckinglutely hate your small boobs. Get a boob job, or go to La Senza. If you think you fat, do a diet, if you think you are too tiny, eat Appeton weight gain.. if you think you hate your hair, dye it, cut it.. change it until it makes you look your best.  if you think you have financial problems, get a second job, dont shop and save more. for many of the women out there, if you think you are lonely, get a man.. or get a cat,  if you fail to find the former. seriously, im not discriminating here, but bottomline is.. do something that make you look good and feel good. aint it way better than spending your life away picking and bullying on the younger or fresher ones?



   If all else fails, then ask your own mother, maybe she has the answer.







 

Ice Cream

it has been kind long ever since the last post. sometimes i really don't know what to blog about. if i were to blog about my deep dark thoughts.. ( well yea, i do have deep dark thoughts..) then it would have been too revealing. if its just merely grazing thru the surface.. then its too shallow. well of course I would want to pour out my innermost worries and fears here, certain readers would have loved to read that, about turmoils and misfortunes. somehow it makes people feel less alone, and much luckier if they were to read about sad or miserable stories. or perhaps people do relate to things like that. or what about the rest of the people outside who thinks. " i have no time for that". all in all, the older we get, the less we reveal. and at the end of the day, people read things to feel good about themselves, and people say or do things to feel good about themselves. im no different than that, and so does an readers out there.

and gosh.. how much i would love to have my blog and bitch about people in here. about all the weird and different bitches i have met. but then again.. nah.. couldnt be bothered with it now. maybe next time. truth is, people judge.. and the people who say they dont give a f**k about anyone or what people says, are lying. again, back to the above notion, "everyone do things to make themselves feel good". well me too.

And the people who always tell you to just relax, be yourself... well deep down, they judge too. because? everybody judges, everybody has their own set of opinions, and everybody talks. and most people dont realize it even when they are doing it. name me a person who is so liberal and who does not judge at all, in all honesty, not even in their tiny thoughts. and i will name you a girl who doesnt love money and shopping. well wait, before any liberal feminism supporter start to judge or say stuff like, "who me? no way, you are the materialistic one here.." well lets face it, apart from the enlightened ones or the monks, who doesnt love money, who does not wish to be living the good life, to be able to eat or buy whatever you want. and for some guys out there who scoffs at girls who loves to shop. dont you want the latest gadget as well? dont you have a dream car as well? and dont you want to own that gold rolex watch, your infinite collection of records and cds, get your dream girl, be able to afford the best wine in  the house.. or wherever your interest lies. so whats up with guys who scoffs at girls who loves money and beauty? if you think they are gold diggers, then just stay away from them.. thats all. and there is very big difference between a gold digger and just a girl who loves to have it all. men or women, who wouldnt want to have it all?
okay, a bit off topic here, bottomline.. everybody talks. not in this case, but in a general manner i meant. speaking of materialism, yeaaa baby.. i do like to shop. but thats cause i love fashion too much. i dont buy stuffs just for the sake of buying. or to feel in the void inside.. or whatever you want to call it. when i look at a piece of clothing, i look at it as a piece of statement, whether do i agree with that "statement" or whether or not, would i want to present myself in the item before me? because, you are what you dress. remember rule #1? people judge. even if they dont, you judge yourself. your clothes become you. and vice versa. even a pair of jeans speaks volume about the way you are. it's easy to just see something, and go.. "oh i like that, i'll just get that'. at the end of the day you'll just end up with clothes you realize you dont like.. or clothes that you thought looked cool on you which actually, not so much.,

and when it comes to money, i have always believe that, when you can be happy just living with very little money, you would be happier if you one day have more. come to think of it, the ones that i have been unhappy about, money was least of my concern. speaking of which, there's so much more to life than just fashion and money. happiness comes in family, true friends, romance, ice creams and many other forms as well. but most importantly, happiness comes from within.. which is the hardest to attain and to be able to have that, it requires a lot of patience,inner work & strength. i have come to realize that happiness is also a journey.

some unholy war

in times like this i wish winehouse was still alive. in spite of what's goin on, i know that there would be more great music to come. my life is a fucking roller-coaster. at the end of the day, i know i'll come out of it a much better person. by the end of this year, i will know everything that i need to know. no doubt about it.

Roll like a rolling stone

"You have until the hour you die to do everything you've ever really wanted to do and say everything you've ever really wanted to say. It sounds less fair when you get older."

I wrote this for you ~

Blue Jeans

Blue jeans, white shirt

walked into the room

you know, you made my eyes burn ~

(Lana Del Rey)

How bizarre

sometimes when i look back at my posts.. i realise that it seem very restricted. my words are restricted, my thoughts are censored. and perhaps it was all just surface grazing. or was it? perhaps i could have had expressed myself better. or maybe i chose not to..

i guess the older we are.. the more we would choose to keep things to ourselves. and our lives are no longer an open book.

but then again i think that, if i could have the liberty of writing whatever i want here.. it would certainly piss many people off. namely females i would say?... but that's just an obvious example that i could think of, at the moment. i do have the privilege of knowing some really smart and independent young women, with really good head on their shoulders. but what im saying are.. just ignorant people in general, or perhaps people with a fragile high self- esteem. esteem so high, but yet so easily shaken. tho i absolutely dont despise my own kind.. but as i dont really see certain stereotypical females as my own kind.. so it's safe to say that there are no contradictions to my above statement.

speaking of which, i've had this funny encounter with a young girl. an acquaintance. we were at a bar. we were talkin, and the topic goes (which i wouldnt wanna delve further on it as i dont wanna offend anybody who happens to be here on my blog, who happens to know what happened), i was complementing her bout her personality.. well honestly, just for fcuk's sake, not that i really knew what her personality is, in just a short 5 min convo. she seem quite uncomfortable and out of place, and was kinda trying to hide it by acting "cool and friendly", so i was sorta kinda tryin to make her feel more at ease, was with there with this guy she was dating, which happens to be the only person she knew there. and funnily, after a few drinks, she turned to me and said.. oh krystal, seriously what do you mean by 'that'? me: "huh.. sorry what?". her: are you saying im not good enough for him? are you saying im not pretty enough?? which i realised.. she was referring to the convo that took place 45 mins ago. and i had to explain to her that 'oh noo.. i didnt meant it that way at all...' and it made me felt bad for how she felt, tho i couldn't understand why.
but then i said in a very as a matter of fact manner "well the thing is, i never thought about it that way until you yourself pointed it out, its actually obvious now that people had made comments about you in the past and you, yourself felt that ur not good enough too, as i've never even said anything similar to what you think i meant". needless to say, she opposed my statement and was very adamant about it.
honestly, there is no need for such mental upset babe.


another funny encounter, which happened more recently, was in Miss Selfridge shopping and trying on clothes. there was quite a queue as it was the anniversary of DNP clothing. so everything was 20% *yay*. so anyway, as i went in, tried on my clothes and got out, talked to one of the staff to inquire about new pieces. yea thats just me, i always ask for new pieces, unless if there are none, then i'll decide if i really like the designs, so much that i would be more than happy to just settle for the piece that i tried on, then i wouldn't mind.

so back to the story.. there was this girl in the front line, she was clearly very tall and 'big -sized', note: fat, with falsies, high heels and all.waiting to get into the fitting room that i had gotten out, she was huffing and puffing on impatience, eyeing me from head to toe and crossing her arms, clearly making it known to me that she was done waiting. miss princess couldn't wait to slam the door hard, as soon as she went in.
well i had to say, all she did was to wait for a mere1 min for me to be done. i was thinking, 'okay, chill.. "fei mui", no need to show me ur dissatisfaction'. then i noticed.. hey isnt this the 'model' that happened to be a friend's friend..
then i remembered my cousin telling me that she seen her before outside a karaoke lounge, looking all la-di-da and snooty, standing in one corner while the friends were enquiring in the counter. and she (cousin) mentioned that this princess was really chubby and big-boned', round face, and all.we did wonder how she could pass as a 'model', to give her the benefit of the doubt, perhaps she didnt look like this back then.


now.. before i proceed, let me say that i have nothing against fat girls, not at all.i dont mind if anybody is tall, short, fat, aneroxic, pretty, ugly.. etc.. it doesn't concern me anyways. and people are free to look however they want, and to be able to display it however they like.
and most of all girls with round faces, i think they look cute, in a good way. i myself don't have an 'oval' face shape... at all, which had always been coined as the classic beauty for a face and i was never a size "0" either. * well.. am a size "2"*. so i dont think that it would be fair for me to criticize, unless one could pass on constructive criticism, else its better to just keep quiet.
but the statements that i made were more out of me being a detailed person as opposed to other reasons. i guess i just have a knack for being detailed and observant when it comes to certain things.. and this would be one of the example. so its not the looks that im criticizing here, its the attitude that i find hilarious. for someone who claimed to have a resemblance towards angelababy. err.. okay, whatever rocks your boat.


writing this made me realise that.. there are really all sort of people that one could find in this world. any sort of person at all that one could think of, and this person does indeed exist.


and i had always entertained the notion that characters in novels does exist (fantasy & sic-fi not included). perhaps not identical by 100% but prolly 70 or more. so i guess there's always a 'Carrie' out there in the big apple. or a beautiful yet depressed young woman named Veronika from Ljublhana, Slovenia.