i woke up all of a sudden just now and turned to look at my phone.* its 4 am*. *screw the time stated in my blog it's off*. waking up at wee hours in the morning ain't that much peculiar to me.sometimes it does happen to me. but most of the time (at this hour especially) i would be pigging away. so i thought of being here for a while before i head back to dreamland. tho i do admit that i was more of a late sleeper in the past *and sometimes in the present* but i do try to sleep early recently.. say.. like around 12 to 1 plus at night?..
and i think its time i start using an eyecream.. in the mean time, i think i better head back to sleep. perhaps i'll go back to that place again.. as a kid, i remember i sometimes used to dream i was alice ( it was my favourite classic) and i would find myself in wonderland, and the queen of hearts and her troop of cards would be there, albeit always being a slighter different version. i suppose it's safe to say that i wanted my own wonderland, so i dreamed one up.afterall.. that was krystal's dream. not alice's. ever since, i never managed to go back there again.
it's already september. and my birthday is getting nearer by the day.. 23 more days, and i will be 24. well not that im happily looking forward to it. im one of those people who dread birthdays. which is ironic because when i was a child, my birthday is the only one thing that i had looked forward to (beside chinese new year, which i have come to dread *secretly*) and especially on the morning of my birthday, i would wake up with a smile plastered my face and i would felt like the luckiest little girl in the whole wide world. i just felt so lucky and happy, come to think of it now, i wonder where did all the happiness came from, i think it's wonderful that children are such 'happy pistachios' and one moment they'll be crying, and before you know it.. they'll resume to being a 'happy pistachio' :D. i guess that's part of the reasons why i luv being around children, somehow being with them takes my mind off whatever thoughts or situation that was bothering me at that moment. i remember that there was once that i went to a place where it is sorta like an orphanage/daycare center for one of my psych projects a few years ago, teaching/entertaining/playing activities with them.. that sorta stuff. it was satisfying but, i had hoped that we could have done more or stayed for the whole day. okay.. let me be honest here, im not much of a social worker nor am i a goodwill ambassador else i would have gone to be a social worker instead of slaving my years studying materials that would most likely be useless by the time i work. i guess it stems from more of a selfish reason more than anything, besides making the kids happy for the few hours, i was happy too being surrounded by them, if only for a mere few hours. not that i was extremely unhappy. like i've said, it takes my mind off things.
i have ceased on throwing out birthday parties since i was 19. but has maintain on cutting birthday cakes simply cos i like eating cakes, a lot. no party watsoever, just cake-cutting with whoever who were present. well, not that i hate birthday parties.. i dont mind goin to other ppl's. just that my own would be too much of a hassle to me.
as for the 'dreading' thing.. it's a rather weird feeling. it's not that i hate it. im thankful to be alive of course, and im always grateful when people acknowledge my birthday. but deep down inside, there is this tiny part of secret dreading. which i guess i know the reason why. but let this reason be a secret that only the birthday girl knows.
