Blonde?

     Like finally i do have a bit of time now to come back to this blog. words cant describe how mad busy my schedule has been ever since.. i was always idle and free, even when i was working previously. some office ladies really do have all the time in the world. which isnt necessary a bad thing, WELL YEA GUESS WHAT LYDIA, being busy.. this is something that you could never grasp on how it actually feels like, and looking and feeling young, with a heart free from bitterness, jealousy and vindictiveness. well its okay Lydia.. ignorance is bliss. and i really hope you are happy enough with yourself to not to do it to another person, what you did to me.
   
   which strikes me to my thoughts today, why isnt it enough just by being who we are, why do some people feel so bitter and  "lack of" about themselves or about life? I think that its okay to feel insecure at times. i have been there many times, even presently.. sometimes. but if you let it consume you long enough, it changes our thoughts, perceptions and as time goes by, slowly changes our actions. i've seen how some people, females especially.. who are just, to put it bluntly, out to the the other females. who deep down, feels extremely insecure and lonely, and unsatisfied with their life and so forth. who doesnt know how to be truly happy for another person. and when you have these feelings long enough, it eats you up.. and then soon the only happiness that you could derive from life is to watch other people live in misery.

   I once knew a former person.. "a former person".. damn i dont know what that means actually, but it kinda sounds right to me, who spends her working and non working hours constantly compairing herself with me. excuse me miss, im 24 (back then) and you are what?! 50? mid 40's Lydia? why da fuq would you wanna compare yourself to me by saying you watch cnn, while i dont, or you constantly stating to me that most pretty girls are born dumb, while the plain ones are usually successful and smart? that guys would go for women like you rather than a girl like me? i still remember the day you told me that a girl who is attractive to males in the workplace will most likely end up being a mistress to a big boss in a top management position. and then you continued the fact that i should tone down my looks by not putting any make up, cover my legs with long skirts and that my hair is too long. and when i asked why, you said that its because i have a slutty look which men might like but that many of the lady managers have been commenting on my looks. "Well, maybe its your legs they dont like, or your long hair, but for me personally, i dont mind it because its God that made you that way, but as your superior Im just telling you to tone down your looks so that the other managers wont have anything to talk about, ok? and so i said " but Lydia, you know i dont really wear make up to the office, neither do i wear mini skirts, and im sorry but are you saying that im actually a slut?" ""No, im not saying you are a slut, i know you are not a slut, but you look like one, then again its God who gave you that look, now all you can do is tone it down, and for me, drawing your eyebrows are considered as make up."

    Now im telling you, Well thank you so so much for your compliment Lydia, little did i knew that was how you viewed me, thanks a lot for being such a confidence booster, like you said, I cant do much in regards to my "God-given" looks, can I? lol. But the next day, being someone who just wants to work peacefully in the office, i wore a long dress the next day, and i started getting a few of the ankle length dresses just for office. within the next few days she started emulating me by wearing very similar pieces, even the jewelries. things that i've never seen her worn before. and she would start giving me hell after that whenever i wear something long. Errr.. Wangai... why Lydia.. why?? So what would you want me to wear this time?? If it really bothered you that much, why didnt you just stock up some clothes for me then? I'll be happy to, so long it's in my size. or perhaps you ought to have loan me some clothes, i can say that we both wear XS, tho you are more than half a meter shorter than i am. its okay, i dont mind your old clothes for the office.

   So ladies and gentlemen, this is a pure example of what feeling inferior can do to you eventually. My sincere but imperfect advice?? The only way that you can change how you feel is to change what you are from the outside first. If you dont like your nose, get a nose job. If you think you absofuckinglutely hate your small boobs. Get a boob job, or go to La Senza. If you think you fat, do a diet, if you think you are too tiny, eat Appeton weight gain.. if you think you hate your hair, dye it, cut it.. change it until it makes you look your best.  if you think you have financial problems, get a second job, dont shop and save more. for many of the women out there, if you think you are lonely, get a man.. or get a cat,  if you fail to find the former. seriously, im not discriminating here, but bottomline is.. do something that make you look good and feel good. aint it way better than spending your life away picking and bullying on the younger or fresher ones?



   If all else fails, then ask your own mother, maybe she has the answer.







 

Ice Cream

it has been kind long ever since the last post. sometimes i really don't know what to blog about. if i were to blog about my deep dark thoughts.. ( well yea, i do have deep dark thoughts..) then it would have been too revealing. if its just merely grazing thru the surface.. then its too shallow. well of course I would want to pour out my innermost worries and fears here, certain readers would have loved to read that, about turmoils and misfortunes. somehow it makes people feel less alone, and much luckier if they were to read about sad or miserable stories. or perhaps people do relate to things like that. or what about the rest of the people outside who thinks. " i have no time for that". all in all, the older we get, the less we reveal. and at the end of the day, people read things to feel good about themselves, and people say or do things to feel good about themselves. im no different than that, and so does an readers out there.

and gosh.. how much i would love to have my blog and bitch about people in here. about all the weird and different bitches i have met. but then again.. nah.. couldnt be bothered with it now. maybe next time. truth is, people judge.. and the people who say they dont give a f**k about anyone or what people says, are lying. again, back to the above notion, "everyone do things to make themselves feel good". well me too.

And the people who always tell you to just relax, be yourself... well deep down, they judge too. because? everybody judges, everybody has their own set of opinions, and everybody talks. and most people dont realize it even when they are doing it. name me a person who is so liberal and who does not judge at all, in all honesty, not even in their tiny thoughts. and i will name you a girl who doesnt love money and shopping. well wait, before any liberal feminism supporter start to judge or say stuff like, "who me? no way, you are the materialistic one here.." well lets face it, apart from the enlightened ones or the monks, who doesnt love money, who does not wish to be living the good life, to be able to eat or buy whatever you want. and for some guys out there who scoffs at girls who loves to shop. dont you want the latest gadget as well? dont you have a dream car as well? and dont you want to own that gold rolex watch, your infinite collection of records and cds, get your dream girl, be able to afford the best wine in  the house.. or wherever your interest lies. so whats up with guys who scoffs at girls who loves money and beauty? if you think they are gold diggers, then just stay away from them.. thats all. and there is very big difference between a gold digger and just a girl who loves to have it all. men or women, who wouldnt want to have it all?
okay, a bit off topic here, bottomline.. everybody talks. not in this case, but in a general manner i meant. speaking of materialism, yeaaa baby.. i do like to shop. but thats cause i love fashion too much. i dont buy stuffs just for the sake of buying. or to feel in the void inside.. or whatever you want to call it. when i look at a piece of clothing, i look at it as a piece of statement, whether do i agree with that "statement" or whether or not, would i want to present myself in the item before me? because, you are what you dress. remember rule #1? people judge. even if they dont, you judge yourself. your clothes become you. and vice versa. even a pair of jeans speaks volume about the way you are. it's easy to just see something, and go.. "oh i like that, i'll just get that'. at the end of the day you'll just end up with clothes you realize you dont like.. or clothes that you thought looked cool on you which actually, not so much.,

and when it comes to money, i have always believe that, when you can be happy just living with very little money, you would be happier if you one day have more. come to think of it, the ones that i have been unhappy about, money was least of my concern. speaking of which, there's so much more to life than just fashion and money. happiness comes in family, true friends, romance, ice creams and many other forms as well. but most importantly, happiness comes from within.. which is the hardest to attain and to be able to have that, it requires a lot of patience,inner work & strength. i have come to realize that happiness is also a journey.