my favourite game

it is certainly gonna be a new day, after the fall, and i wonder how many times could i fall.. it might had well be the last time.
i dunno what ur looking for, you haven't found it again thats for sure, you ripped me up and spread me all around, in the dust of the deed of time, and this is not a case of lust u see, it's not a matter of u versus me, it's fine the way you wan me on ur own, but in the end its always me alone. i only know wat i'ved been working for, another you so i could love you more, i really thought that i could take you there, but my experiment is not getting us anywhere, i had a vision i could turn u rite, a stupid mission and a lethal fight, i should have seen it when my hope was new, my heart is black and my body is blue..

and im losing my favourite game, ur losing ur mind again..
im losing my baby.. i tried but ur still the same
ur losing a saviour and a saint..

i dunno wat to think of you anymore, minimum requirements also you cant fulfill. now there's no more minimum requirements. something you said, i wonder if you really mean that, and i wonder wat you mean. and wat am i to you, if i ever meant a single thing, if..
if its the case.. i don't have anything to say. but ohh.. i dont hate you.. not even a single bit. i can't find it within myself to even dislike you.. do i hav a reason to do so? i dunno, you tell me if you would.

damn...

dear krys.. congrats.. u screwed up again.. and this is the worse and the furdest that you went. it's always like that, ain't it? when life is peaceful and stable enough, you must find something to fuck it up. this is certainly very like you. its no use regretting what you did now. what is done, is done, no time turning, no nothing.. no shit. u just simply made the wrong choices at the wrong time. it's hard.. to forget bout him. but it's getting better. i want out of this whole thing. i want out of him. if only. and i'm always that easily misunderstood. and i just wanna make things better. between us. within myself. if i could.
it seems all is goin down hill. and i don't want that to happen. history will not repeat itself again.
i just want out. i am tired. and sometimes i think i am confused. damn.. this blog is getting darker.. and i jump from one shit hole to the next. it's true, i wish it wasn't true. i am not independent enough. and i should take responsibility on myself more often.

delay no more

i need .. i need to stop procrastinating.. and start what i ought to hav been doing 2 days earlier. my Quantitative Methods lab report. i seriously can't fail this subject. in fact.. i cant fail any subs at all. it would be a waste of time and money..obviously.. alrite, i'll start tomoro.. no more day after tomoro or wat. just plain tomoro. i'll start finding my journals.

and start chanting the mantra "i don't mind, and you don't matter." i guess it's working.which, is good. ;) . i just hav this feeling.. life and stuff gonna get better, im not saying that life is not good rite now.. but well, it could certainly get better than the present.
i guess it's safe to say that, i look at things at a different perception these days. i hav become more sure of myself, of what want, what i wanted, and who i am as a person.
practically everyone our age goes thru that sorta "finding myself, different perception" shit huh.. so i guess its no biggie after all. yea.. people change, i know that. including 'you'.. that's only natural. it is a 'must', to change, as long as it's for the better. or else, it's better to not change at all..watsoever. anyway, it's kinda gettin early. thats all.
delay no more~~

repeat mode

im feeling fat.. despite the fact that i shed a pound or 2 already.. "hey.. u idiot, one or 2 pounds merely counts, unless ur a dog or sth.."(thinkin to myself) and im feeling rather depressed.. the internet connection got a bit fcuked up.. and my mind's a bit fcuked up .. mentally fcuked up, emotionally fcuked up.. (man.. i realised i have trouble typing 'fcuk' instead of 'fuck' . was backspacing everytime i type this word.)
cooked pasta for 2 just now for dinner cum supper, and it was actually meant for 1.. meant for me.. meaning.. i ate the portion for 2. ;) . no wonder laa.. how to thin.. like that.. ish. geram. i realised i never diet.. i realised that i eat a lott.. and now.. i realised that i am fat. (well, actually , kinda realised it long ago, but i was too proud, therefore living in self-denial.) lol. i guess i just lurvee to eat.. anyway, i was eating my 'comfort food' and listening to leona lewis's 'Better in time' on repeat mode. somehow, these two combinations brings me temporary comforts and does wonders for my mind. it is all mind over matter, meaning.. I do not mind, And you do not matter. period. (easy to do?)
okay, so now i would at least giv it a try by dieting and not eating supper and see how it goes. see whether are there any improvements on my weight.. ;D

i might hav screwed up a few things in my life before.. but who doesn't? i guess eventually everyone does. (not trying to just make myself feel better by saying that. it's just a fact :) ) im only human.. so, screw it. night.

live and learn

its funny how some songs can really make you relate to it. and its funny how you get to hear them exactly at a time where u were kinda goin thru the same thing. at least it did, at one point of my life. maybe it still does.

~ i came home in the morning
and everything was gone
oh what have i done
i dropped dead in the hallway
cursing the dawn, oh come on sun
why must i burn
im just trying to learn

i stared into the lights
to kill some of my pain
it was all in vain, cause no sense remain
but an ache in my body
and regret on my mind
but i'll be fine

cause i live and i learn
yes i live and i learn
if you live you will learn
i live and i learn

got kicked in the head
so i started a fight, cause i knew i was right
but i learned i was wrong
i remember a slaughter
i remember i fought, for the money i brought
i got blistered and burned
and lost what i earned

but i live and i learn
yes i live and i learn

i got, i got it now
she's got, she's got it now

i came to on a corner
with some help from a man
and goddamn, i dont' seem to have learnt
that a lady in need is guilty indeed
so i paid and got laid in return
and i don't know what i'ved learned

well you get what you give
and hell yes i lived, but if you live you as learn
i dont' think i'll be learned
oh with the sun in my eyes
surprise, im living a life
but i don't seem to learn
no i don't think i can learn ~

i guess im just living.. and learning.. in this life. just hope that i learned..

tired

im tired.. physically and emotionally.. which is not good.. need to recharge..
need to learn to sleep earlier.. need to learn to have a stronger sense of self..
i wonder which will be more easier for me to achieve..
like i'ved said.. im tired. night.

untitled

have you ever been mistaken as someone not ur own race before? i had, quite a few times.. it's ok if a malay thought that u are kinda one of them also, or probably thinks that u are of mixed heritage.. (it's supposed to be a good thing, it's usually a compliment). but what about when your own race.. some chinks suddenly comes up to you and starts speaking malay! having experienced the former and not the latter until today.. was working today and i must admit it was quite a surprise and i was somewhat speechless by it. are you chinese? she asked. and another customer was speaking to me in malay.. wat the heck? no, i didnt went to redang or tioman and suntan myself. thk u.
and anyway, i met one of the nicest gal yesterday.. at least i think she is, was kinda sweet to me.. yes, nice gals still exists in malaysia. i don't get why some gals would prefer to be bitches instead. hmm.. some hidden self-esteem issues bout themselves? haha.. dunno. or maybe they think that being seen upon as one would certainly make their attraction factor level up. i don't think that it is attractive at all being seen as a bitch. seriously, do you?? or i may be wrong.. it could be that.. heck, i don't even know what's attractive anymore.
but i do know one thing.. by just being a genuine person. that's Attractive. ;D

damage-control

Today was ok.. i immensely drenched myself in Quantitative Methods in class today. Which was kinda good. tomoro i will be having another assignment in this subject. i hope i do better in it compared to the past one. i just ended something just now,yes.. this time it's for good. which i should.. long time ago. anyhow, im sure it had ended long ago. it was just me, in the end. and this makes my self securities crumble a lil more. we are just not at the same page anymore. not even half a page. shit. that's all that i wanna say. i don't wanna talk about it anymore. i guess i'm just too vulnerable when it comes to certain things, too transparent. which.. is not always a good thing. arghhh... to hell with it. i guess some things are better left unsaid.
if you ever come across this.. yea.. 'you' .. you ought to know that i never asked of anything from you. no..nothing.. and i don't expect that you'll be good as gold. as i don't think that we will go anywhere further ever since the beginning when i first met you. and you really did not make an impact on me at all. even after i met you, i have this gut feeling not to step any further. but sometimes you just chosed to ignore your own gut feelings. which i did.
you just happen to caught me at my worst moment, the moment when i was the most uncertain with things and myself. yea.. you did had your usage, which was good in a way, i guess. as if sometimes i had a wall to lean on too, a wall made of paper, so easily teared.thin wallpaper. not good. lol. anyhow, i guess i have nothing to blame about as things weren't as simple even from the very beginning. it was just the way things are. which does not need to happen. but it did, so be it. and i realised that, perhaps you don't know me at all. and you were not what i thought you were, why do you have to assume things when you don't need to. haihz.. seriously i don't know what is it. you don't need to, get it??
Of all of the things you said, i feel rather ambivalent about you now.. i guess that is it. as a somewhat optimist, it's a blessing in disguise i supposed. there's a some other stuffs too, but those are P & C. like i'ved said, some things are better left unsaid. wonder all you like, or you could be as ambiguous as u were. like u had always been.


~ here's to all the pretty words
we'll never speak,
here's to all the pretty girls
you're gonna meet.. ~
~

untitled

Today was shit.. having period cramps and i couldn't concentrate on wat the lecturer was lecturing, in stats class.. i used to think that stats was easy, way easier than maths. then it hits me that it was mostly the same.. same level of f*cking difficulty.. Yes.. maths is difficult... at least to me. and boring.. and dry.. almost as dry as Law and Accounts. I'm just not cut out for it i guess.. oh.. anything.. to hell with it. I just don't wanna fail this sub and at least get a credit in it. I don't know whether this has something to do with my hormones or period or whatever.. but i am feeling really crappy ever since this morning i woke up, oh yeaa. nearly forgot, it started since yesterday, or the day before yesterday. im still figuring out whether or not this has something to do with some god damn PMS symptoms or is it just me. i used to have a hard time understanding why is it do the fairer sex gets really emo or easily irritated when it is the time of the month. As far as i could remember, i don't ever or had never experienced any PMS symptoms in the past ever since i got my period, which came pretty late in my teenage years. Whenever any of my close female frens gets a mood swing, and sometimes, unfortunately, they get to lash out at me for no apparent f*cking reasons, i was patient, yess.. very patient with them, and yes, seeing me this patient apparently get on their nerves even more. Just because your mind's messed up rite now, does not mean that i have to play along with you.. duh..
So, what's happening to me rite now? am i eating up my own words? or is it the pain in my stomach thats doing this to me. or maybe, my mind is just f*cked up rite now.. and rite now.. the whole world just seems so unfair to me. And the reality is, this world isn't fair at all. Life is not fair, long time ago, i had come to terms with this.. what we can do is to just make the best out of it. But sometimes, i just can't stop whining about it. about things not turning the way it was supposed to be with me. i just f*cking hate dissapointments, this is the number 1 thing that i hate most in life, more than anything else in this world. if one thing does not go the way as it was supposed to be, then .. my whole day would be gone.. i have reasons when i'm all flared up, and i have reasons to feel irritated. so,on very rare occasions, when i do.. there ought to be a reason on what or who ticks me off, and a very VALID one. As far as i know, i take pride in myself as being one of the most patient people that i know of, and will ever know, hell.. i could wait for someone for more than an hour and barely feel irritated. i guess maybe it's cos of me often being late for appointments and stuff.. and i know punctuality is important, really important. but i often have a prob with punctuality. trying to improve on it tho. ohhh.. i so need a mood stabilizer rite now.. and this pain is near to unbearable. and those pink pills don't help..it just helps psychologically, not in a physical way. not for me i guess.. i wish guys gets them too.lol. *ahem*. =P
And ohh.. i finished the season 3 of Grey's Anatomy. superb. Izzie's character was real.. and the vulnerability that she potrays was so real.. so raw.. almost to the point of being naked.. like stripped full-frontal nakedness. there's a sense of 'vulnerability' in her vulnerability. having said that, it made her a really strong character because of it. it's strong to be vulnerable sometimes, i think. get wat i mean? Meredith, still being Meredith.. it seems to me that she is always getting lost in her own thoughts and her Mcdreamy. luv her tho. And ohh.. man-whore Mcsteamy is so HOT!! and definately getting mcsteamier.. eye-candy, no doubt.